The Mammoth Book of More Dirty, Sick, X-Rated and Politically Incorrect Jokes by Geoff Tibballs

Author:Geoff Tibballs [Tibballs, Geoff]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Humor, General, Form, Jokes & Riddles, Performing Arts, Comedy
ISBN: 9781780338026
Google: z3CeBAAAQBAJ
Publisher: Little, Brown Book Group
Published: 2013-09-19T23:31:22.753183+00:00

Italians

An elderly Italian couple arrived in New York. They stopped off at a shopping mall, but somehow became separated. The feisty Italian woman then went from store to store asking: “Hava you seena my Mario, balda head, potta belly and da baggy pants?”

Time after time, no one had seen her Mario until finally a sales clerk said that a man matching his description just ran out the back door “lickety-split”.

The woman said: “No, no, that’sa notta my Mario. He may grabba da ass, pincha de tit, but he no lickety-split.”

What’s the difference between an Italian grandmother and an elephant? – Fifty pounds and a black dress.

Maria was sitting on her stoop eating a slice of pizza. Two of her girlfriends walked by and noticed that she wasn’t wearing any underwear.

“Hey, Maria,” one of them called out. “Did you take off your panties to keep yourself cool?”

“I don’t know about keeping cool,” she said, “but it sure keeps the flies away from my pizza!”

A band at an Italian wedding asked for requests from the guests. Antonio walked up to them and said: “Hey, do you guys know ‘Strangers in Da Night’?”

“Sure we know that one,” replied the bandleader.

“Dat’s great!’ said Antonio. “But I gotta one favour to ask. Could you play it in 5/4 time?”

“Isn’t it played in 4/4 time?” asked the bandleader.

“Yeah, but dis here’s a special occasion, you know?”

After briefly consulting his fellow musicians, the bandleader said: “Okay, we can do that.”

Hearing this, Antonio turned and called out: “Hey, cousin Roberto! Come up here and sing!”

Cousin Roberto put down his drink, strolled up to the mike, and as the band started to play, he sang: “Strangers in da fuckin’ night . . .”

Why don’t Italians like Jehovah’s Witnesses? – Italians don’t like any witnesses.

On the night before her wedding, an Italian bride-to-be talked with her mother.

“Mama,” she said, “I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy.”

The mother replied tenderly: “When two people adore, honour and respect each other, love can be a beautiful thing . . .”

The daughter interrupted: “I know how to fuck, Mama. I want you to teach me how to make great lasagne!”

How do we know Silvio Berlusconi prefers Ford cars to Fiats? – He likes to get into an Escort.

An Italian guy was recounting the tale of his trip to Toronto. He said: “One daya I go to Toronto and stay in bigga hotel. I go down to eat soma breakfast. I tella the waitress I wanna two pissa toast. She bringa me only one piss. I tella her I wanna two piss. She say, go to toilet. I say, you no understand, I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you betta no piss on plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don’t even know da lady, ana she calla me sonna ma bitch!

“Then I go to pharmacia with da cougha. The man he give me candy ana tell me fa cough! Fa cough! I don’t even know da guy, ana he tella me fa cough!

“Later I go to eat soma pasta downtown.

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